New Year’s Headlines

By | January 6, 2020 | 0 Comments

Jay Leno had a weekly skit on his TV show in which he showed newspaper headlines that seemed silly or humorous. Leno is no longer on TV, regrettably, but humorous headlines still may be interesting. Even better, they may be instructive – if we invent headlines that typify what ails our media. At least it’s worth a try.

Trump walks on water; can’t he swim?

Trump announces cancer cure; when did Putin know?

Deputy Assistant Undersecretary of Interior disagrees with Trump

Trump orders Belgian waffle; evidence of foreign influence

Trump turns water into wine; vintners alarmed

Trump awards hero dog; cat owners furious

Joe Biden can’t find his car; accuses Trump of auto theft

Hunter Biden leaves crack pipe in Ukraine; blames Giuliani

Adam Schiff can’t stop banging gavel; doctors baffled

Schiff claims he has photo of Bigfoot; refuses to show it

Bigfoot claims he has photo of Schiff; no one wants to see it

Eric Smellwell goes into orbit; Elon Musk asks help for rocket

Smellwell guest lights match; funeral arrangements pending

Smellwell warns gun owners govt has nukes; he also has poison gas

Pelosi denies new facelift; says stuck face out of fast-moving car

Pelosi removes Schiff from impeachment, appoints C3PO; no one notices

Pelosi says Trump existential threat, impeachment must come quickly

Pelosi delays sending impeachment to Senate, needs more time

Pelosi blames Trump for contradicting himself

Bernie Sanders injures hands; unable to speak

Sanders plans return to Soviet Union; unaware it no longer exists

AOC says abolish prisons; moves to gated community

AOC rejected by voters; too conservative

AOC returns to bartending; accused of watering drinks

Ilhan Omar marries self, divorces; cites irreconcilable differences

Kamala Harris gives speech, interrupts self, leaves podium

Elizabeth Warren says DNA 0.00002% Vulcan; changes name to Elizabeth Spock

Dem candidates knock one another out; debate much improved

Asteroid strikes; women and minorities hardest hit

Kaepernick has knee surgery; blames American flag

New York Times uses disappearing ink; never needs retractions

CNN audience made up only of MSNBC

MSNBC audience made up only of CNN

Tremors in DC; John F. Kennedy reads Dem platform, turns over in grave

Dems promise free everything; seek donations

Four-year-old child with safety pin punctures leftist bubble

Democrats return to classical liberalism; dancing in streets

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