How To Achieve Zero Carbon Emissions? Ask Adolf the Environmentalist

By | September 16, 2023 | 1 Comments

Major source of global warming?

Apple ad proposes reducing atmospheric CO2 to zero, thus killing all human, animal, and plant life. – News report

UCLA study claims dogs and cats are significant sources of global warming. News report

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. ‒ H. L. Mencken

The urge to save humanity is always a false front for the urge to rule it. − H. L. Mencken

In Germany the fascists goose-stepped. In America they jog. − John O’Sullivan

World must hit zero carbon emissions well before 2040, Al Gore warns. News report

When the U.S. Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that carbon dioxide is a pollutant that must be regulated, environmentalists cheered. Most people assumed that the court referred only to industrial and automotive pollution. But when I saw Al Gore orating on TV, I was uneasy. Carbon dioxide is released every time a human being or an animal exhales.

If our goal is zero carbon emissions, as Al Gore states, then all human and animal life must be exterminated.

But, you object, surely the courts and regulatory agencies intend to control only the carbon dioxide released by vehicles and factories. Yes, perhaps that is all they intend today. But what about tomorrow? The typical course of government regulations is that, like cancer, they grow if left unchecked.

Mulling over this thought, I turned off the TV and went to sleep. But I did not sleep well. I was troubled by a bizarre dream in which the ghost of Hitler came to me. At first I thought he might be an impostor. But when he spoke, there was no doubt that he was really Adolf. Who else could think such genocidal thoughts?

A.H. Amerika erwache!

D.S. What?

A.H. You ignorant lout, you don’t speak German? I said wake up.

D.S. My God! You look like Hitler.

A.H. As you well know, God has nothing to do with me. I represent the other fellow.

D.S. Then you really are Hitler?

A.H. Yes, of course − der Führer, chancellor, minister of war, supreme commander of the armed forces, and supreme lawgiver − in person. Or at least in spirit.

D.S. I know something about your other titles, but “supreme lawgiver”?

A.H. Absolutely. I became dissatisfied with the judges, even though many of them were Nazis themselves, as were members of the other learned professions, especially physicians. So I proclaimed myself der oberste Gerichtsherr, the supreme lawgiver. If I forbade something, it became illegal, even if it was legal. And if I ordered something done, it became legal, even if it was illegal. I was the law.

D.S. How convenient for you.

A.H. Don’t be so judgmental. What do you think your judges have been doing for years? Your Constitution mentions the death penalty four times, but your judges can’t seem to find it. Yet your Constitution doesn’t say a word about abortion, but that they can find. What isn’t there they find, but what is there they can’t find. And what about your laws that regulate what kind of dishwashing detergent and shower heads, and what kind of light bulbs and toilets everyone must use? At least I kept my nose out of people’s toilets. A Leader must show some dignity.

D.S. Are you implying that our judges are like you, making up the law as they go?

A.H. No, I’m not implying it, you idiot. I’m saying it straight out. Look at that outstanding decision your Supreme Court rendered on carbon dioxide. Can you show me where your Constitution gives the government power to regulate every factory, car, truck, animal, and human in the nation? Of course not. They just made it up, because some charlatan convinced them that man-made global warming is a danger.

D.S. You don’t believe in global warming?

A.H. I would, if believing it helped to increase my power. But let me ask you, why did most of the one degree of warming in the 1900s occur in the first half of the century, but less in the second half? You’re too stupid to figure it out, so I’ll tell you. It’s because of all the smoke I put into the atmosphere from all the cities I burned − not to mention all the Jews (laughs and slaps his knee). Yes, the smoke blocked part of the sunlight, tending to cool the Earth, like after Mount St. Helens erupted.

D.S. You have the gall to claim credit for being an environmentalist?

A.H. I had nothing to do with de Gaulle, that arrogant French Scheisskopf. But yes, I was the greatest environmentalist. I invented the Final Solution of the environmental problem − the problem of too many people on Earth.

D.S. I can’t believe it. You’re actually boasting about gassing and incinerating six million Jews.

A.H. There, you see? Not only did I eliminate six million useless subhumans, but the smoke from their bodies helped block out even more sunlight. What an environmental triumph! But forget about the verdammte Jews. At least five million other subhumans died in the camps. And what about all the soldiers and civilians who died in the actual fighting? Experts estimate that I was responsible for 40 to 50 million deaths in all.

D.S. And you see that as a source of pride? History has condemned you.

A.H. Has it? Look around you. Whose ideas are most influential today? It’s not Einstein, that Jewish faker. Yes, Time magazine put his disgusting face on its cover as “person of the century.” What a joke! Who is going around influenced by his ideas, I ask you? Nobody. But my ideas − just look at how many people are following in my footsteps.

D.S. You mean the Skinheads?

A.H. No, not those ignorant fools. I mean professors − like that clever fellow Singer at Princeton. He teaches that it is permissible to kill defective babies up to a month old, perhaps even three years old. I couldn’t have said it better. In fact I did say it. Who do you think invented euthanasia of “useless eaters”? Who do you think perfected the concept of “life unworthy of life”? Who do you think inspired the people who killed Terri Schiavo and Charlie Gard? We could have used those people in the camps.

D.S. You’re talking about a few creeps.

A.H. No, there are many others, like the environmentalists who banned DDT and allowed malarial mosquitoes to proliferate unchecked. Every year since then, over a million third-world people − especially African children and pregnant women − die from malaria. Do you realize that tens of millions of blacks have been exterminated by banning DDT? What an achievement!

D.S. I never looked at it that way.

A.H. You want to hear the real joke? DDT was banned because it might harm birds. But after it was banned, mosquitoes spread West Nile virus, which may kill more birds than DDT ever did. It even kills bald eagles, the symbol of your country (laughs loudly).

D.S. You think that’s funny?

A.H. And there are the “deep” ecologists, who teach that we must drastically reduce the human population to save the Earth. They are only carrying forward what I began. Even that filthy Arab Bin Laden, with the absurd towel on his head, even he was my follower. He talked about pollution and global warming, but he really wanted to reduce the excess population − especially Jews and Americans. Can you not see what influence I still have? People from learned professors to radical environmentalists to extremist Muslims – all have accepted my ideas and are putting them into effect.

D.S. But what about people who don’t accept your ideas?

A.H. My ideas are already accepted by American university students. They willingly signed a petition to disarm all citizens, and send gun owners to concentration camps. When people are disarmed, the Leader doesn’t have to worry about convincing them. He just issues orders, and they obey – or else. Befehl ist Befehl.

D.S. I guess that’s true.

A.H. You guess, Dummkopf? Of course it’s true. And now your own Supreme Court, the supposed guardian of your rights, has ruled that you are a polluter with every breath you take. What a step forward! Today, automobiles. Tomorrow…who knows? Ach, Scheisse. I must go. I have to be back before sunrise. But if you think global warming is a problem, you should see how hot it is where I am.

I awoke with a start. The sun was coming up. It was going to be a cool, beautiful day.

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